Tomorrow it will be one year. 365 days since we said good-bye to our precious baby. The baby that we never got to hold in our arms but always held in our hearts.
I was out in Ashley's memory garden yesterday with Ellie...attempting to pull the weeds that were knee high. Ellie sat on Jesse's big rock and was checking out all of the smaller rocks that the kids had painted last spring. I was a bundle of emotions in her garden...trying not to be sad for Ellie's sake as she asked question after question about baby Jesse and telling me how much she missed our baby cuz she would have been an awesome big sister!
As we sat and talked, we pulled some weeds back and saw Ash's bleeding hearts that she planted last year...and then the tears started to flow. Her flowers are beautful and seeing them made me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy that our precious little one is safe in the arms of Jesus and sad, knowing that part of my heart left with Jesse and hasn't been the same since. And I cried about having 'empty arms'...longing to hold our little one.
I don't think I will ever forget being in the emergency room last year while the girls were waiting for us at the letter winner's banquet. I didn't think one person could possibly feel so many emotions at one time...I was scared, confused, angry, and tried so hard to be hopeful. The emergency room doctor couldn't find our baby's heartbeat...and tried so hard to reassure us that sometimes the baby isn't positioned right, it might be too early, etc...but we had heard baby's heartbeat three weeks earlier, so even though they told us not to worry, I was already fearing the worst.
The doctor was incredible...taking the time to hold me and Wes as we cried and prayed with us before we left the hospital. That is another thing that I won't soon forget.
The doctor scheduled an ultrasound for us the next morning. I think it was the longest 12 hours of my life...couldn't sleep, was a nervous wreck, prayed and begged God for it to be a mistake, trying to remain positive, all the while feeling in my heart that we weren't going to get the news we hoped for in the morning.
I almost backed out of my ultrasound appointment cuz I told Wes that if it is bad news and something isn't right, I would rather not know. But in all reality, we went in for the appointment because we needed to know what was going on. I prayed so hard while changing for the u/s, again trying to bargain with God that this was all a bad dream or a mistake, and that we would soon be seeing pictures of our little one and hear a heartbeat.
I think I held my breath when they started and within less than a minute, I knew we were going to hear the dreaded news....as the nurse asked to us to wait while she went to find a doctor. And then the tears started...we both knew that our little one gone and that we would soon be facing one of the toughest things we have been through in our marriage.
The doctor came in and continued with the ultrasound, held my hand as he told us that there wasn't a heartbeat. I felt like my own heart had stopped beating. He showed us our baby on the screen...pictures of a healthy looking baby. No defects, no abnormalities...but a perfect looking little baby. Our perfect baby who we would never have a chance to hold.
This doctor, like the doctor from the previous night, was incredible as well. He cried with us as he shared his own story of his and his wife's recent loss of their little one who was about the same size as our little one. He gave us our first and last pictures of our baby...at the time, I didn't want to even bring them home...but Wes told me to just tuck them in my purse because some day I will want to look at them again.
We were told that since I was healthy, that the best decision would probably be to wait for nature to take it's course at home. All I could think of was... 'what does that mean? I can't possibly do this at home! I have no idea what to expect. I am scared to death.'
I think the worst part of this day was knowing we'd have to go home and tell the kids what had happened and what was going on. It was so hard, especially since they had finally gotten over the initial shock of mom being pregnant again. We sat on the living room floor and held each other, cried, prayed, and cried some more.
The next day resulted in another doctor's appointment for me so we could be prepared for what to expect and tests to make sure my iron levels weren't getting too low. As we got in the van, Wes told me we had one more appointment to go to and he asked me not to get mad at him for calling Marva Jean. Knowing that with all that was going on and he somehow found the time to call her gave me a sense of peace. We spent over two hours with Marva Jean...laughing one minute, crying the next, praying, holding on tight to each other, being reminded that God hadn't forgotten about us and that He was hurting with us, trying to make sense of what was going on. This small act by Wes was exactly what we needed...and I can't believe he was afraid I'd be mad that he called her.
We went to dinner with the kids and I kinda hoped that nature would wait a few more days....I wasn't ready to not be pregnant any more. I just wanted a few more days with our baby even though our baby was already in heaven. I know that probably makes no sense, but I kept thinking that maybe it would all be a mistake and until it was over, I had some sense of hope and didn't have to let go. I wasn't ready. Fourteen and a half weeks wasn't long enough. I felt cheated. I felt like a failure. I was angry that God could allow this to happen. I was scared of what was to come. I didn't think I was strong enough to let go.
Later that night, the contractions started...just like with all of my other pregnancies. But this time, I knew it was not what I wanted. I knew the outcome wouldn't be full of joy as when we welcomed our other children into the world. It was only a matter of a few hours...Wes held me, we cried together, he was my rock.
I can't even begin to describe the pain of losing a child....I felt numb. Shattered. Broken. Helpless. Angry. And Wes felt the same things as well. We have each lost a parent and now we were saying good-bye to our baby. It wasn't fair. Even though our little one was an 'unexpected' surprise, we were overjoyed knowing that God was blessing us with another little one to raise. It was all in God's timing, and He wasn't finished with our family yet (even though we thought we were done after Ellie was born). We all were anxiously waiting for November to meet the newest 'Trout'.
And within three days, it was all taken away from us. We kept asking 'why?'
I will be the first to admit that the following hours, days, and weeks were difficult for our family. Some days it was a struggle for me just to get out of bed...and I had to remind myself that the other kids were hurting too, that I needed to be their mom and at least try to be 'normal' for their sakes.
The kids all helped pick out Jesse's name....Jesse Lyn Trout. Jesse because it means 'a gift from God', which is truly what Jesse was. And we challenged ourselves to each find ways that Jesse was our gift, albeit a short gift. We vowed we would learn from the gifts that Jesse gave us. We shorted up my middle name for Jesse's middle name..which seemed fair cuz Kacey and Jeremy share Wes' middle name.
We also decided that we would have a memorial service for Jesse....in Ashley's memory garden. Some people asked why we would bother but we ignored those who thought we were crazy because we knew it was something our family needed to do so we could find some closure and start the healing process. Singing Jesus Loves Me with our kids...words can't even describe what my heart felt. I was clinging so hard to my faith even though the world was crumbling down around me.
Another healing point for us occured later in the fall, about a month before my due date. Grand Rapids had a dedication ceremony for the Angel of Hope memorial park. The kids joked with me that they would come with if I promised that I wouldn't cry...course, I broke my promise and I wasn't the only one with tears in my eyes. But it's hard to describe...they were tears for our loss but at the same time, they were tears of joy at how far our family had come since May. We were able to remember Jesse and be reminded of gifts that Jesse gave us.
I will be honest....completely honest. The last year has been a struggle for me. I still find myself searching for answers as to why this happened to our family. I cuddle up with 'yellow duck' that we bought in Branson last spring...Ellie's first present for her new baby. I find myself wondering what our little one would have looked like. I realize now in hindsight that our trip to the Precious Moments chapel was a way of God preparing us for what was to come a few days after returning from Branson. I didn't realize it at the time but it was an extremely emotional experience being at the chapel and seeing the mural, “Hallelujah Square” which celebrates the lives of real children whose lives ended too soon. I cried when I saw the mural and am so grateful for the photos that Emily took that day.
The following verse meant so much to our family...and continues to do so.
And this one means so much to me....
Baby Jesse, we love you and miss you so much. We will never forget you, and you will always be in our hearts.
Tomorrow will be one year. I made it. It was tough. But I am getting stronger every day. I don't think I will ever be ready to really let go. But I am trying to move forward, and that is a good sign, because, last year, I didn't think I would ever get to this point. Thank you, Jesse, not only for the gifts you gave our family, but for the gifts you gave to me.
And I look forward to heaven, where I know you will be waiting for us! (And my arms will no longer be 'empty').
