Let Me Hold You Longer.....

Can't sleep tonight and have a ton of thoughts running through my head tonight after celebrating our 'baby's' 5th birthday earlier tonight. So many things have changed since this time last year...as Ellie opened presents on her birthday last year, we were so excited to share the news that we would have a new baby in our family in the fall. Fast forward to the end of the month, and we were holding our children as we said good-bye to our precious baby, Jesse. Sometimes, life just doesn't seem fair.

I am struggling....I will be honest. And for those of you who truly know me, you realize how hard that is for me to amit.

My special little buddy is now registered for kindergarten in the fall. Ellie is my day time friend...someone to chat with (I swear she can carry on a conversation as well as most adults), bake with, and just hang out with and have fun with during the day. I never know if we will be playing dress up or having a tea party...or dressing as princesses for the royal wedding!

I am going to miss her terribly next fall when she is at school during the day with the rest of the kids...one stage of life is passing and a new one is beginning. I am not sure if I am ready for it or not.

I know in my heart that God has great plans not only for my buddy but for all of our children....and this new stage is a great thing. And I am grateful for days like today...to remember being proud of our girls at the conference track meet, for watching Ellie try her best to be patient about her birthday and celebrating her sisters' successes (knowing that she would have much rather been at home opening birthday presents and eating cake), for her big brothers for making her feel so loved, for remebering watching Shane's success at past track meets, and for all of our kids for being pateint with me as I figure out how to be a mom after all these years!

Before I blink...these moments will be gone, and I will always cherish the memories of giggles, inside family jokes, back yard football games and trap shooting, and snuggle times that I took for granted at the time.

I found this poem earlier tonight from one of my favorite authors, Karen Kingsbury....and somehow, I needed the kleenex close by....

LET ME HOLD YOU LONGER Karen Kingsbury

Long ago you came to me.,
a miracle of firsts;
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts…

The last time that I held a bottle
to your baby lips.
The last time I lifted you
and held you on my hip.

The last night when you woke up crying,
needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket,
wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me,
still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you’d marry
me when you grew old.

Precious, simple moments and
bright flashes from your past—
Would I have held on longer if
I’d known they were your last?

Our last adventure in the park,
your final midday nap.
The last time when you wore your favorite
faded baseball cap.

Your last few hours of kindergarten,
those last days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League,
last colored picture made.

I never said good-bye to all
your yesterdays long passed.
So what about tomorrow—
will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you catch a frog
in that old backyard pond.
The last time that you run barefoot
across our fresh-cut lawn.

Silly, scattered images
will represent your past.
I keep on taking pictures,
never quite sure of your lasts…..

The last time that I comb your hair
or stop a pillow fight.
The last time that I pray with you
and tuck you in at night.

The last time when we cuddle
with a book, just me and you.
The last time you jump in our bed
and sleep between us two.

The last piano lesson,
last vacation to the lake.
Your last few weeks of middle school,
last soccer goal you make.

I look ahead and dream of days
that haven’t come to pass.
But as I do, I sometimes miss
today’s sweet precious lasts…

The last time that I help you with
a math or spelling test.
The last time when I shout that yes,
your room is still a mess.

The last time that you need me for
a ride from here to there.
The last time that you spend the night
with your old tattered bear.

My life keeps moving faster,
stealing precious days that pass.
I want to hold on longer---
want to recognize your lasts…

The last time that you need my help
with the details of a dance.
The last time that you ask me for
advice about romance.

The last time that you talk to me
about your hopes and dreams.
The last time that you wear a jersey
for your high school team.

I’ve watched you grow and barely noticed
seasons as they pass.
If I could freeze the hands of time,
I’d hold on to your lasts.

For come some bright fall morning,
you’ll be going far away.
College life will beckon
in a brilliant sort of way.

One last hug, one last good-bye,
one quick and hurried kiss.
One last time to understand
just how much you’ll be missed.

I’ll watch you leave and think how fast
our time together passed.

Let me hold on longer, God,
to every precious last.

Sorry for being so long winded...just needed to get my thoughts down and ask God to let me hold on longer and tighter to every precious moment....whether it is a first or last moment with our children. And am praying that even though we never had these moments with Jesse, that God is holding our baby tight until we can be together again.

Seems like our season of life right now for Wes and myself revolves around the kids, and even though we are constantly on the run and overwhelmed, I know in my heart that I will miss this season once it is over...so for now, we are hanging on tightly for the ride and enjoying every moment.

I hope our kids know how much we love them, how very proud we are of each of them, and that we are their biggest cheerleaders in all that they do.

And praying that God will continue to bless our family and watch over us and teach us how to be the best parents we know how to be.